Crack Fic 5: Addicts, pirates, and FLCL
by Erich Von Freidrichsburg
Summary: WOOT! CRACK FIC 5! Itachi wants to start a metal band, pirates invade Konoha, and the characters get addicted to strange things.
1. O sweet heavenly metal

**CRACK FIC #5: Addicts, Pirates, & FLCL.**

**Summary: **Itachi forms a heavy to Heavy metal band, pirates invade Konoha, and Kakashi get's addicted to FLCL.

Part 1: The majical music metal, or, the day the pirates came.

Somewhere...

Itachi and Kisame are walking around the open country side. Kisame notices a large group of people in the middle of a town. It

is night.

Kisame: Hey, Itachi.

Itachi: Yes?

Kisame: What do you think is going on?

Itachi: Let's go check it out.

So they went to the large gathering. It was a Heavy Metal concert. With the music drifting through the air, it was hard to hear

your own thinking. And, for some reason, Itachi just stood there and took it all in.

Itachi: This music is so...so...WONDERFUL...

Kisame: Uh, Itachi, are you alright?

Itachi: I've never felt BETTER. Kisame, let's form a Metal Band. I'll be the singer, you and Hidan can be guitarists, and Deidara

can do the drums.

Kisame: 0o You're...kidding...right?

Itachi: No, man, I'm SERIOUS. We MUST form a Metal band!

Kisame: Uhh, Itachi? What have you been smoking?

Itachi: No, dude, C'MON! Let's inform the others!

Kisame: Ugh, I hate my job...

Meanwhile, the next day in Konoha...

It was a nice day in Konoha...(prepares for something bad)...wait a second...it IS a nice day! HALLELUJAH! That is...until the pirates came...

Stewie: What are you talking about? There's no body of water near Konoha! How can pirates invade a city that's not a port?

Quite easy: they sail on the land.

Stewie: WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE!

And as Stewie said that, pirate ships came rolling over the land, heading straight for Konoha. As you can tell, this caused all sorts of mayhem.

Anbu Guy: TSUNADE-SAMA, TSUNADE-SAMA!

Tsunade: What is it, Hiroto?

Hiroto: I know this sounds far-fetched, b-but there are SHIPS heading our way!

Moment of silence. Then, Tsunade broke out with laughter.

Tsunade: HAHAHA, HAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHA! Right! Um, how long have you been in the sun today?

Hiroto: No, I swear! Pirates are heading this way this very second!

Tojo: He's right, Tsunade-Sama. Look out your window!

There was a thunderous sound as the pirates approached Konoha. They stopped just outside the walls.

Captain Charles De Saint-Paul: Fire the cannons!

And then 200 cannonballs went streaking through Konoha.

Tsunade: What the f#k?

The cannonballs went straight towards her office. Will our brave Tsunade make it? Find out next time!

Part 2: Titles of bands, weird pirates, and crazy, vespa-riding aliens.

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	2. All your base are belong to us!

Crack Fic #5. Part 2: Titles of bands, weird Pirates, and crazy, Vespa riding aliens.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Don't sue me. I barely have any money, and I'm only a Sophomore.

At the Akatsuki hideout...

Itachi: Deidara, Hidan.

Deidara: Eh, what do you want, Itachi-san?

Itachi: I have come up with the greatest idea EVER...let's form...A METAL BAND!

Hidan: A...WHAT?

Kisame: -sigh-, let me explain. We were traveling along, we saw a concert, and now Itachi's #1 goal in life is to form a metal band.

Kakuzu: A metal band? Is there any money involved?

Itachi: Dude, if we're a hit, then we would be RICHER-THAN-GOD!

Kakuzu: Then I'm IN! I'll be manager.

Itachi: Alright, who else wants to join?

Tobi: I would like to join!

Deidara: ...No.

Tobi: But WHY, Deidara-senpai? Tobi is a good boy!

Itachi: Hmm...he does have a point. Perhaps he could take your place of drummer, Deidara, and you could do vocals with me!

Deidara: WHAT? Fine. Just as long as I get a guitar solo. Now, what about names? We need a name.

Tobi: OOO! I got it! How about: The Good boys!

Everyone: NO!

Kisame: How about "Metalica Shark."?

Deidara: No way! It should be "The bomberz".

Kakuzu: HELL NO! I'm band maneger, and I say we should be called "Death-Greed"!

Hidan: I'll have to disagree with you. We should either be called "The Dark-Gods" or "Metalica-God".

Itachi: Hey, I got it! How about the "Akatsuki five'?

Kakuzu: Sounds good, but it sounds too much like "Sound five".

Akatsuki Leader: I'm the leader, and I beleive that you should all be called "Dark-Heaven".

Itachi: Hmm, that's good. Thank you, my gracious lord!

And so, the band was called "Dark-Heaven"

Meanwhile, back in Konoha...

The cannonballs were rushing towards the Hokage's office.

Tsunade: Shizune, Duck!

Shizune: Where?

Tsunade: Not A duck, but DUCK!

Shizune: Alright, Tsunade-sama!

The cannonballs went right through the office.

Tsunade: -hit! I just got done paying for that extra room!

Pirate captain: Ha Ha Ha Ha. All your base are belong to us!

Tsunade: What?

Another pirate captain: He said "All your base are belong to us!".

Tsunade: What the heck do you mean "All your base are belong to us!"? That's not even proper grammer!

Later, when all of this was sorted out...

Tsunade: So, you want lodgeing?

Pirate Captain: Yes!

Tsunade: For a "Battle of the bands" concert?

Another pirate captain: Yes!

Tsunade: But you -ucking destroyed most of the lodges!

Another Pirate Captain: So? We'll rebulid them!

Tsunade: Whatever...

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Konoha...

Naruto: So, what are you reading again?

Kakashi: It's called "FLCL".

Sakura: FLCL?

Sai: (A.N.: Fianlly, he makes an appearence) -looks at book-It lacks dick.

Sakura: WHAT?

Then, out of no where, a Yellow Vespa came roaring down the street, hitting Naruto.

---: Oh! Darn it! That's the 5th person I ran over today! (Does CPR to Naruto).

Unfortunately, Hinata was walking down the street and saw all of this.

Hinata: N-naruto-kun?

Naruto: BLEH! What's wrong with you? Why the hell did you run me over!

And before he could get a response, the crazy women was gone.

Naruto: Well, that was sure weird. Hey, has anyone else noticed those pirate ships?

Hinata: (thinking) Why am I never the one who kisses Naruto?

Meanwhile...back at the Akatsuki hideout...

Kakuzu: Hey, guys! I've found an opening! The Konohagakure 10th annual banttle of the bands!

Itachi: Great! Alright, guys, let's start! We need to practice before we can do anything!

Deidara: -sigh- This is DEFINITELY going to end bad...

Meanwhile...at Orochimaru's hideout...or whatever...

Kabuto: Orochimaru-sama! Sasuke-san! You've got to know this! Sasuke?

Sasuke: Yes?

Kabuto: Your brother and the Akatsuki have formed a metal band!

Sasuke: WHAT? Itachi...then we must form a band of our own...

Kabuto: And HOW are we going to do THAT?

Orochimaru: Why, SIMPLE, Kabuto! I resurect the Sound 4!

Kabuto: Your...kidding...right?

Orochimaru: Why, no! It's a wonderful idea! Let's get started!

Kabuto: -sigh- This is going to end badly...

-END-

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Mentos+Diet Coke-Explosion.

Mentos guy: MENTOS!


	3. Chapter 3

Uh... I can't believe I write this crap! I'm horrible! I make Mary-Sue fics look GOOD. Must work on writing skills!

Well, anyway, time for the glorious crack fic to come to a close...

Chaplain Casca: Finally.

What?

Commissar Richards: Well, he IS right. It's been so long, you forgot you even made this thing!

Commander Gaius: You MUST end this fic good! I suggest a big, climatic battle!

Richards: Hell No! It should end in a grand victory!

Sawbonz: No! It should end wit big BOOM!

Farseer Marya: It should end with a meaning, a good moral!

Lord Crassus: No! It should end in utter destruction!

Alright, whatever! I'll include everything, ok?

Casca: Hmm... alright.

Gaius: Sounds agreeable.

Richards: I fully indorse it!

Marya: I have no objections!

Sawbonz: Uh...okee-dokee.

Crassus: Hmph... whatever.

Fine! So here we go!

At the stadium...

Pirate Captain: I got's me a good seat!

2nd Pirate Captain: Argh! Righty then, ye scurvy dog!

Meanwhile, under stage...

Itachi: Alright! This is going to be our first performance! Who wants to go on stage first?

Hidan: I do!

Daidara: Hell no! I'm more popular than you!

Hidan: Proof!

(Almost every girl in audience as an "I LOVE DEIDARA" shirt on)

Hidan: Hm! You're right then... but I'm still going up first!

Kisame: Hell no! I am!

Sasuke: How about...your HEADS!

Sasuke threw a kunai. Unfortunally, it hit a big generator, and a big boom insued. Then, for some strange reason, a choir came out of no where. They got into a choir's stand, a Kaworu, AKA Tabris, came out in a suit and started performing the 9th Symphony of Beethoven.

And then numerous armies converged on the field o' battle. Oh, the sight was horrible! People's limbs being torn off, kunai being stabed into the heads and hearts of there victums, demon shuriken slicing off the heads of countless bodies...it was just plain horrible! Sasuke clobbered Itachi in the head with a crobar, thus by knocking out his right eye. Itachi, thereby, smash Sasuke's head against the wall, and he both were hit by cannonballs fired by the pirates. Hidan and Kakuzu duked it out, and both died in a horrible fire. There was so much bloodshed, that people became Berzerkrs right on the field (a Berzerkr is a varient of Old Norse Berserkr, which is where we get the word "Berserk"), the Gods Khaine and Khorne battled, and all seemed loss. Luckily, out of the darkness, came: MARIO OF THE PEOPLE! With his hammer, he smashed the skulls of all the bad guys. He then raised the flag of the Red Star, and he became their glorious hero.

But, what do you ask, became of our heroes? Here's a list:

Sasuke: Died.

Itachi: Now where's an eyepatch and travels around sucking blood out of Goat Necks.

Deidara: Survived. Now is a famous artist.

Tobi: He survived. He also went on to public services, and opened up schools for orphans and the poor. He then became a monk, and 50 years after his death, he became canonized as a Saint.

Hidan & Kakuzu: Both died in a bonfire. See above.

Zetsu: Now runs a nursery.

Sir Leader and Unknown member: Became stinking rich and live in some isolated mansion.

Kisame: Went on to host a talk show, _Kisame: Coast 2 Coast_. Season 2 coming soon!

Naruto: Got jogged in the head. Wounded up in coma for six months, in which he awoke with a strange understanding of the Universe. Is currently dating Hinata.

Sakura: Helped Tobi with the Orphange stuff. Also became a Saint after her death.

Sai: Went on to become art partner of Deidara. Now runs an Art Museum and is author of the comic book _Dawn of War._

Kakashi: Went on as a Jonin. Mysteriously vanished.

Yamato: Wherabouts Unknown.

Asuma: Went on to open a bar with Kurenai. They're now married.

Ino: Run's the Yamanaka Flower Shop with her dad.

Shikamaru: Became an expert on foreign relations. Is currently intrested in Temari of Sunagakure.

Choji: Married Ramen Girl. Now helps run Ichiraku's Ramen. (Hey, big people need love to)

Kurenai: See Asuma.

Hinata: Is currently working at New Konoha Hospital. Is seeing Naruto.

Kiba: Got socked in the head during the battle. Woke from coma five years later and became a Pacifist.

Shino: Studies bugs.

Gai: Opened dojo and has become famous movie star.

Lee: See Gai.

Neji: Became a philosopher and founded a library. Currently seeing Tenten.

Tenten: Owns a weapons shop in downtown New Konoha. Currently in love with Neji.

Gaara: Dude, he's Kazekage. 'Nuff said. Oh, yeah, helped build New Konoha and stuff like that.

Kankuro: Gaara's bodyguard.

Temari: Foreign-Relations Specialist. Currently working with Shikamaru to find cause o' big battle.

Baki: Died in battle.

Tsunade: Has opened up a Spa&Bath.

Shizune: Aide to Tsunade.

Jiraiya: Same ol' Jiraiya.

Orochimaru: Has been arrested for being a Child Predator.

Kabuto: Wherabouts unknown.

And, basically, everything's the same. So, there ya go: The End.

Konohamaru: That sucked!

Silence, boy! (Steals Soul).

Advertisements: Read kacey9tails fics: betta then mine.

Didn't make much sense, did it? Neither pairing 12 year olds in romantic relationships. You see, I WAITED till they were teens to pair them up. So, basically, nearly 45 of Naruto fans (and about 56 of Fanfic writers) are Pedophiles. Aren't you proud of Humanity?

Note: Didn't mean to offend anyone. Just bringn' up a point. That's all.

Now, (clears throat) THE END!

Sawbonz: Wayt just a minut! Der wasn't any big boom!

Alright, here you go! (Blows up Cronus V) There! Big 'Splody! THE END!


End file.
